The fight or flight response is a biological response to a perceived danger or threat. When a child experiences the fight or flight response, it is likely they will demonstrate difficult behaviour. Children’s behaviour is always an attempt to communicate something with you. Spending some time working out which of their emotional needs are unmet can be helpful. A refusal to get dressed for school is unlikely to be an attempt to annoy you. It could be an attempt to avoid going to school because of a worry they have for example.
What are the emotional needs
The emotional needs of all humans are:
- Sleep
- Control
- Movement
- Privacy
- Attention
- Achievement
- Connection
- Purpose
- Respect
- Food
Check out the emotional needs audit for more information As parents we spend our life trying to meet the needs of our children, ourselves and our family. This can be tricky as it is all down to perspective.
There are many things that can cause a child to go into the fight or flight response and demonstrating difficult behaviour. Working as a counsellor in a school it is something I speak to young people about regularly because it usually means their behaviour is not desirable. I have added some of the more common things I have heard from young people:
- Exams
- A sudden unexpected change in something
- Feeling unheard
- Overstimulation in their environment
- Not being in control of something important
- Friendship issues
What happens to the brain?
Taking the example of an argument with a sibling for example. If a young person does not feel they have been listened to, or feels unfairly treated, they will get frustrated. As a result this will then cause them to go into fight or flight mode. Their heart rate will increase, they may feel sick or wobbly, their body will produce a lot of cortisol and which will stop them being able to think clearly. If they can do this, then they are less likely to react in an inappropriate way displaying difficult behaviour.
When the brain senses danger, incoming information is directed to the amygdala (the security officer). The job of the amygdala is to sense danger in the environment and protect us. The higher functioning part of the brain responsible for making good decisions and information retrieval shuts down. The person at this stage will be unable to think clearly or take responsibility for their behaviour. They may well shout or lash out. Their brain has been hijacked. When faced with this situation, they can no longer make good choices, and they will become more agitated and “flip their lid”.
What can I do?
Reasoning with someone who is in fight or flight mode will not work. Wait until they are feeling calmer. Children are often not taught how to recognise or manage “big emotions”, and when they experience them their behaviour deteriorates. They also have very little control over many things in their life. As a parent you can work with them to recognise when they are beginning to get “triggered”. This will allow them to do something to change their behaviour.
Ask them what feelings they notice in their body? If they can recognise the “somatic (physical) signs” then they can start to calm themselves. Work with them to identify what they can do for themselves which will help them? – a few years ago I was getting really frustrated about something on my computer. My daughter clearly sensed it as well, because she came over to me with a banana and a drink and said “mum I think you need to have something to eat”. She could clearly see that I was getting irritated, and that was her solution. As a therapist I would encourage someone to regularly work on slowing their breathing down. Below is a guide to 7:11 breathing
What do I do next?
When they are calm it is a good time to get them to reflect on what might have happened. This would then help them think about what might happen differently next time. If their sibling is someone who may have deliberately tried to get a reaction, perhaps have a conversation with them to reflect on their part.
If the young person has reacted in a way which may have been outside agreed boundaries, such as hitting or kicking then a sanction could be put in place. Reading stories is a good way to teach them things, a book which you might find helpful is “King Giggle” if your child is a bit younger.
Giving your young person tools for life is a great thing to do. There will be plenty of frustrating times in their life when they need to think before they react so they can react in an appropriate way and avoid sanctions in school and hold down a job etc.