As a parent managing school avoidance can be a really tricky thing. You have the school on your back with threats of fines and a young person who may be bigger than you who will not engage in going to school. It can be easy to get into a fight with them and for that relationship to break down. So what is the way forward?
When we reach adulthood we have control over what we do and when to an extent, and so if we hated a job for example we might consider looking for something else, and in the mean time we would probably go to work with a sense of foreboding or dread. I remember when I was experiencing a tricky time working bank in one department and would actively avoid booking shifts when a certain staff member was working. Then one day I turned up and I didn’t realise that said staff member was working this particular shift. When I saw her I froze. If I had been given the choice at that point I would have left, but I needed to earn some money and it was too late to cancel.
Now imagine that your young person feels really triggered by school and they are forced to go. It will instantly put them into a state of either anger, sadness or fear, but they have less choice than we do. Unless we plan to home educate them at some point we will need to find a middle ground somehow. So where do we start?
Where to Start when it comes to School avoidance
- Take the pressure off getting them into school, quit the fighting and speak to the school. Working with them will be key to the overall wellbeing of your young person and the success of any plan to move forward. Quite simply trying to force a young person who may be bigger than you down the road is not really an option, and this will give the young person back some control
- If they are having panic attacks help them to work on recognising their triggers and their sensations associated with emotions (a lot of young people struggle with this).
- Let them decompress, give the nervous system a break and work on finding things that help with calm. Breathing techniques can be really helpful, check out this link on 7:11 breathing
And then what?
- When they are a bit calmer, work with them to set small goals focusing on the future.
- Try to identify, if possible, the things that trigger them in school. Communicate this with the school so they can manage them.
- Keep the school informed of your progress and your intentions and then start to work towards these little milestones.
- Keep your young person involved and also accountable to themselves will be important. Their brain needs to form new positive patterns to replace the negative ones that have triggered the school avoidance. This will be a gradual process.
- Get them to notice the times they feel good and what makes them feel better. Encourage them so they can do more of it.
- Progress may be a bit up and down and that’s fine, celebrate the small wins.
- Try not to think too far into the future.
School avoidance is a growing problem. Getting the process right around reintegration is essential as it will help them overcome future challenges if handled correctly. Make sure you also look after yourself and seek professional support if you need to.
If you would like support with this process do get in touch.